Alternate Reality, Comic Convention

       I awoke shortly after N slipped out to work. But I didn't recognize where I awoke. The bedroom window was looking in the wrong direction, and instead of an ivy covered hillside with wisteria, grapes an a couple of scraggly fruit trees, I saw a huge white gazebo, low flowering plants and a hedge of oleander a hundred yards away across a lawn that looked as manicured as a putting green. I looked around, stunned, thinking "where's the lawn jockey," but gratefully not seeing it.
       I turned back into the room to get dressed. There were two closets, I figured that the one with the blue lizards painted on the doors was mine, because the other was four bi-folds in a peachy pink with white lace over it. I figured that had to be N's, despite the pink part (N hates pink). It sounded like there were people in N's closet, rustling and breathing, so I decided not to open it.
       I didn't recognize hardly any of the clothing in my closet. I dug around, finally coming to a box on the shelf in the back. I opened the box and found a loud Hawian print shirt and some white bib overalls. The overalls didn't fit, the shirt was a double-X L so it was actually a little loose on me. I looked around and found a couple of utilikilts rolled up in the bottom of the box as well. I shook out the best looking one and belted it on. The sounds coming from my wife's closet were beginning to unnerve me, so I found a pair of lace up sandles strapped them on and then headed out for breakfast.
       I managed to find the door to the hall, but from there was completely lost. I had no idea where anything was. I found an office, too neat to be mine, then a book room, not really a library, but a room with books just piled around its perimeter with a couple of chairs and a small table with book binding repair tools on it. There were a couple of opulent bathrooms, again, one with the blue lizard motif and the other with the lace over peach motif. I slipped into the blue lizard bathroom and checked myself in the mirror. It was me, a little whiter and my hair a little wilder and somewhat shorter than it is now. I brushed my teeth and looked in the medicine cabinet. There were dozens of bottles, almost all of them prescriptions, and almost all of them completely full, most still looked like they had the cotton in the top.
       I made my way to the front door, and stepped out onto a porch. It was white, with vining roses growing over waist high white latticework across the front. I said good morning to the caretakers who were working there. After a moment's surprise they responded to me.
       "Would you like some water, or juice, it's already getting hot out her."
       Again, they looked like they were in shock. "No thank you, sir," one said.
       "Better not let the missus catch you in that," another one piped in. His partner shushed him immediately and began to apologize.
       "No worries, I was just feeling nostalgic."
       They nodded and, upon hearing voices from the end of the driveway dove back into their work.
       I stepped down to greet my wife and her entourage. I didn't see N in the crowd, and was very confused. A woman with a nearly perfect figure strode up to me, looked me top to bottom and then did a modeling twirl in front of me.
       "Well, how do you like it?"
       The outfit she was wearing was a clingy tube dress, flattering. I opted for the non committal "You're looking lovely, as usual."
       "Thank you dearest." She pecked me on the cheek. "What are you wearing?"
       "I was feeling nostalgic." This seemed like a safe reply.
       "It is old-school, but your legs are sexy as ever, it works on you." She turned to pose with me for the photographers in the crowd.
       "Smile, you're about to start a whole new fashion trend among my male admirers."
       I smiled, "Sorry, I haven't had breakfast yet."
       "Why didn't you yell something up from the kitchen staff."
       "I didn't know I could."
       "Let's get inside, something's wrong with you."
       I couldn't have agreed more. She blew kissed to the crowd and towed me back inside.
       "What's wrong with you."
       "This is not my world."
       "We've had this discussion."
       She called for some breakfast to be brought to our patio then hurried back to our bedroom.
       "Millie, get this on the exercise floor, it still seems a bit large in places. Bring my house body."
       As we walked through the halls, a woman in a maid's outfit brought up a headless body. My wife stopped and pulled her head out of the body she was in. Her spine whipped around into the "house body" which was a slender wisp of a woman with hardly any hips or breasts. She turned to look at me. "I know that bothers you, sorry dear, but you need breakfast and I need to work a little bit off of the new body before I report for filming next week.
       "I didn't see anything wrong with it," I offered, weakly.
       "Don't even think about it, that's just a work body."
       I followed her into the bedroom and she threw open all four of her closet doors. One held clothing, and the other held about eight headless bodies, all supported just off the ground by metal plates at their neck line with feeding and waste tubes running into and out of them. They were all of various sizes, none fat, a couple almost anorexically thin, and disturbingly, tucked in the back almost out of sight, one that could easily be a child's body.
       I was ready to run out, but held on for breakfast, I really was starving. I stepped out onto our patio and a maid brought breakfast. I thanked her, again, the surprised look was the reaction.
       "You're welcome," she whispered back and then hurried of as my wife entered the patio in her third body for the morning.
       "Let me drop you off on my way to the script meetings, you can see if that kilt company would like to come out with a retro line with our endorsement."
       "OK" I answered looking forward to getting out of here.
       "What's wrong, you look like you don't know who or where you are."
       "I don't. I was expecting to wake up to ivy, a hot tub outside the doors where I'm now eating breakfast overlooking acres of grass, thirteen cats..."
       "Who's Ivy?"
       "Ivy, a leafy green vining plant, growing on the hill behind the house I own."
       "I thought we'd sold all your properties so we could buy this place."
       "May be so, but what I'm trying to tell you is that I don't remember any of this. The last thing I remember is sending N off to work from a half asleep state."
       "Oh. Nothing since then?"
       "No, it's like I've slipped into an alternate reality. I don't even know your name."
       "Oh dear. I knew this could happen. We can fix this. I'll get you an appointment right after my script meetings and take you there myself."
       "Thanks. I've got to change for the meetings."
       There was a jump in time and I found myself in downtown San Diego, I did pop in to the Utilikilt shop and they put me in contact with their marketing people. They liked the idea of a retro release, particularly if I and my wife would appear in the commercials. Since I got the impression that was what she wanted I agreed to the concept and asked them to contact my wife's agency to work out the details.
       I checked my phone and discovered that the Comic Convention was in session. I rooted around and discovered that I had a membership waiting for me, so went to pick it up. The volunteers escorted me right out of the pickup line over to the pro tables. I tried to show them that I had tickets waiting for me, but they insisted that I should not have to wait in line for them. They sent a runner for them. They asked if my wife would be joining me.
       "Her schedule is pretty busy, new scripts."
       "New body, saw it on the view this morning. You're a lucky guy."
       "I think so." I said, grinning. Really, I had no idea if I was lucky or not.
       Runners brought my badge, I talked them out of letting me go without the pro folder, as I explained that I really wasn't a comics pro.
       "But your movies, we're even running a couple of them this con."
       "Thank you, but I guess I still think of this as primarily comics, even after all these years."
       I made my way into the hall, grabbing a list of the seminars. As I walked around I bumped into a gal I know who is a teacher at the school district where I work, or worked. I asked her what was going on. She looked almost like she did in her twenties, but we were in our mid 40's the last time I talked to her.
       "What do you mean?"
       "Last time I saw you was in your classroom at RHES, I only remember about 6 months after that."
       "Serous brain fade, have you seen someone yet?"
       "Not yet."
       She took my hand and pulled me into one of the emptier side corridors of the convention center. Before she could tell me anything there was a reporter and a photographer there. "Who is she?"
       "This is RG, one of my old high school friends, and one of the prettiest women I've ever known. Don't you agree?"
       "Will she be in your next film?"
       RG blushed at that. Making me think that my films might not be the sort of thing she would agree to appear in.
       "I don't know, she's never really expressed and interest." Again, I decided to go with a safe non-committal reply.
       "Are you lovers?"
       I didn't know entertainment reporters could be so brazen.
       "I was never that lucky when I was young.If I had been, I don't imagine my life would be what it is today."
       "So you are attracted to her?"
       "And you, and your camera operator there and about two thirds of the attendees of the convention. I'm a man, how could I not be attracted?"
       During the interview I was walking RG to the pro-lounge, and saying I would be happy to talk to them later. We ducked into the lounge and our reporters wandered off to make other people miserable.
       "Sorry about that, I suppose the real me would have known that could happen."
       A security person arrived, "Do you want me to escort them out of the convention center? They know they aren't supposed to interrupt without asking."
       No, it's OK, they just got a little bit excited, no harm done.
       "I'll be right outside when you're ready to leave."
       "I don't..."
       "Thank you," RG interrupted. Then when he'd stepped away, "You want him to be with you, we had a murder of a guest here a few years ago, you're famous enough and married to someone with a rather, um, rabid, fan base."
       "Am I famous because of her or me."
       "Actually, both, but it's hard to separate the two these days. She wouldn't be anything without you."
       "Do you think you could have been her?"
       I could tell the question shocked her, and was something she hadn't actually thought about.
       "No, there's some real talent there that I don't have."
       "Not sure that's true. You're one of the most intelligent and talented women I know."
       "Compared to third graders."
       "Do you think I miss the schools, in this life I seem to have now?"
       "I can't answer that for you, do you miss us?"
       "In my head I've only been on summer break two weeks, so no, but that's because I think I'm going back to work next week. I'm not, am I."
       "No, I can't imagine you are, though if you wanted to fund and teach ROP production classes or something, I bet they'd fall all over themselves to let you."
       "I'm getting the impression that might be a bit controversial."
       "Yeah, for our district, may be."
       "This is an odd question, but, do you know what happened to N?"
       I never got an answer to that question.